Although I would hate to admit it, over and over again the poorest bargain of our lives are the one we make when we forfeit our deep knowing life for one that is frail; when we give up our soul, hearts, senses our being for a promise of something that seems rich but turns out to be hollow instead. Even though choosing poorly could be seen as a pathologically self-destructive act, it far more often turns into a watershed event that brings vast opportunity to redevelop the power of instinctive intuition nature.
My initiation began with the poor bargain I made long ago while still asleep. By choosing whatever appealed to me as riches and security, I surrendered in return, dominion over some and often every part of my passion, creativity and instinctive life. Funny a friend told me to find a job that goes along with your passion, you will always get fulfillment from that. I seriously should have listened.
Anyways my family was just keen on me securing a job so I can sustain myself due to certain circumstances that presented themselves. So I did , I got a job that will do just that, but I had to make sure I made it purposeful and tried being positive about it all. January 2nd was the day I started my job. I was very optimistic eager to learn and enjoyed the challenge of learning how to run such a company. In the same period I met a man I never thought I would fall inlove with, my instinct warned me about him , did I listen , no not really . Let me just make this very clear that many things that present themselves to us are not as they seem upon first content.
At first everything seemed to have purpose, had a vision but somehow along the road I didn’t realise how much I was dying. The hours I put in at work and the lack of growth at work and in the relationship I was in. I was getting worn out. The vision I had before started to become a bit more blurry. My body was starting to show symptoms of the exhaustion. Knowing the kind of woman I am, I still ignored it all.
I mean no sentient being in this world is allowed to remain innocent forever. In order for any person to thrive, our own instinctive nature drives us to face that fact that things are not as they first seem. I truly understand that sometimes for the first time in our lives, we have a chance to cease walking into walls of our own making and learn to pass through them instead.
I didn’t realize that my soul was going through the ability called the processing. When we process , we sort through all the raw material in the mind and soul, all the things we’ve learned , heard , longed for and felt during a period of time. We use these processed ideas and energies to implement our most soulful tasks and to fund our creative endeavors.
I understand that I am my own woman, my own person and yet during that time I give my arm, leg,eyeball away to every job or lover that came down the pike. My creative soul was trapped and I did that all to myself. There was so much dominion over my creative soul I couldn’t even hear her speak to me anymore.
Now my pain became conscious. When it become conscious, I could do something about it. I could learn from it , grow with it and I there became a knowing woman.
I would often say my mood is such that I cannot quite put my finger on what I wanted , whether it be a new job , a new lover,time,creative work. It was very difficult to concentrate. It was very hard to be productive during the time . This nerve- restlessness is typical of this spiritual developmental stage.
During this stage I got sick of crying, I mean tired of it, I wanted to stop. But I realized it was my soul that was crying, and those tears were protecting me. So I kept on till the time to cry was over. Crying is good, it is right. It does not cure the situation, but it enables the process to continue instead of collapsing. I felt that I lost my touch, lost my usual way with the world, but powerful still in my pureness of soul and because of that, the thing that wished to destroy me withdrews.
I in this stage feel desperate and adamant to go on with this journey no matter what. So I decide to leave my old life for a new one, or lets say one stage of my life to another. This was my process from adolescence to a womanhood. This was my death and resurgence. I left my job, left my old relationships, left my old way of thinking, my outmoded values, to becoming ones owns person. I have went through a whole new transformation, the one of awakening.
Now that the old self is gone and the deep self, the naked self, is the powerful wanderer.